Certain events cause the nuts and bolts in our existence to tighten, while others loosen our perception. The things we know to be true no longer exist. We begin to question the purpose of life, the reason for our existence, and how everything is related. There are no accidents even the most mundane act has a purpose. For the past week I’ve agonized greatly. I’ve been in a place of pure limbo. The suicide death of a friend rattled and broke me. I understand what she went through. I keep hearing her words echoing in my own belief, tasting my ego and doubting the core of my own existence. I don’t want to continue to explain that I don’t fit because I do fit in the way humans fit into life. When I say “I don’t fit” or “I feel misplaced” I am speaking in terms of my mortality. I have somehow dishonored my purpose, diminishing the importance of me here. And, with such thoughts I take to find answers outdoors.It’s cold but I ventured into the woods this morning. My cat, Mystic, followed my every move while keeping distance. She moves with steadiness but knows exactly when to stop as to give me the room I need to be alone with my thoughts. Funny little creature! I found a seat by the creek, gathering my winter coat tighter over my head, Mystic jumped on the seat. We sat there watching the morning light twinkle and dance on the water flowing downstream. I am grateful for witnessing such beauty. I forget how beautiful our woods are and how much magic lives there. It is the closest thing to heaven on earth that I have found. In these moments of complete awareness of my present life I am grateful. What happens is when I re-enter life with others that I keep struggling to understand. Why do so many folks martyr and suffer over everything? Where does it all lead into that I cannot see? What’s the point of fighting the current without making changes, while complaining every day about the same thing? It’s insanity.I do not know how long (in the human need to time everything) it will take for me to integrate into my life again. I don’t know if I will ever “fit” into the life I had. There is nothing I want to do to change this beautiful gift. I know I am beyond fortunate to live where I live and with the people who love me. I also know that only five weeks ago, in dying and returning to this realm, I lost an old part of me that battles with ego in this new life. My struggle is in knowing how others can’t be present. In not being present, especially around me, I am rattled to the core of my being. I can’t relate to the material world, the need to fix things with technology, or the escaping from life with addiction. This is life. I understand it. What I don’t understand is how I will get to the place of adapting into the world. I can’t run off and live in a temple far from the arms of humanity. Let’s be real! I have been gifted the preciousness of being present, a life not fully lived or absorbed with mysteries unfolding every day. It is my duty to follow through with whatever the Divine has in store for me. In the process how I get there is a difficult question. Sometimes the answers are much more meaningful than one question.I sat back in the cold forest, embraced by the gift of my mortality. I know this is precious. Each breath brings me to the core of God and all that is mystical. As I walk into the unknown, knowing that it isn’t a place of fear, I plan on keeping it real. I can no longer afford to make excuses for others. When I feel uncomfortable I will excuse myself from being in the place of discomfort. When I am with others I give a 100% of my presence with the love that I can hold in my heart. The rest is up for grab. I find that compassion has become my most intimate ally through it all. I want to take you and hold you, letting you know that this is okay. This too shall pass. The perfect post popped up on my screen this morning, “When a thing disturbs the peace of your heart, give it up.” There is nothing else to do. The gift of your humanness is reason enough to keep moving along the timeline. Be present. Be mindful. Be love without judgment. Always…always…be love!