Out of Order

I've hit a new over-achieving goal. I have never been this exhausted before that even my sleep time is tired of not sleeping. My eyes are filled with heaviness and it takes all of me to keep them open. I was once described as the “energizer bunny.” I now know what a battery feels like when it is drained of power except my emotions are accountable while the battery just dies. I don't know where the energy in me sipping out of and onto. Life keeps moving every second I am forced to move along the escalator ~ going up and down whenever. I hope this is not permanent. I don't remember this feeling of pure nothingness along with an achy body. It feels as if every cell has given up on me, not even generating new ones. And, I hear myself and the negative thoughts I hate with a passion. This is not me! I hate complaining and I despise this feeling of giving up to everything. Even my passions and desires are in an over extended fatigue. They require a higher vibration that I can't seem to acquire at this time. But, I am up and writing and watching a baby eat cereal while throwing half of them to the floor for the dog. I am up and willing to give it another day, another night and another chance. I just don't know when I will be me again. When will I feel the energy and zest I have had for so long? I am too young for this and too old to know better. I have rough edges now that I didn't before this year. It's as if the softness in me has been torn apart leaving me raw forcing me to examine intricate parts of me that my psyche had been covering.I want to examine this “exhaustion” as the ending of an old me. I want to believe it's like chemo burning all the toxic and rebuilding. Endings are crucial, mystical and abstract in so many levels. I want to believe that by being depleted there's a purpose because I will be substituted with grace, strength and wisdom. This exhaustion is part of the process of eliminating everything from the past and rebuilding with new materials a healthy future. I want this eternal tiredness to be a part of painful growth that's almost ending. I have to believe from the core of my new rawness and pain that this is a temporary ailment of spiritual evolution. My spirit is showing me that I am more than I can ever credit myself for being. Last night I went to pick my best friend up at the airport as she's been gone for over two weeks working. For an hour an a half on the way home we spoke about my disappearing from social media and the disconnection from friends. I expressed my “concerns” with some of my children who have mental issues and feeling as if I was being under a microscope with regards to my grand-daughter. She expressed with great wisdom, “No matter what you do these people will continue to think and say what they feel like saying. You need to live as authentic as you always have. This is nonsense! You have been in hiding. No wonder you've been sick and exhausted. I am exhausted knowing what's coming and seeing you move through every day with the lack of energy that's not you at all. You are an amazing mother and a wise woman. Do what you need to do to live your truth. They will say and do whatever they feel like because they are not well.” She said a few other things that made me come home and truly inhale. I went into a deep sleep but sometime in the middle of the morning it hit me and I exhaled out loud, “I've been in hiding and it's not worth it. No wonder I am exhausted. I will never be perfect for anyone. I need to live for me.” You can't fix crazy. I know this. I have a PhD on this subject. And, just like that I realized I couldn't continue to feel the claws of depression and uncertainty around my neck strangulating every sell from oxygen.

I found a letter from an old friend in a forgotten pocket of my wallet the other day. It was a message that I needed to read after all this time. And, today, just like that I got it:

“My wish for you is to fall in love. Fall in love with yourself, darling, in a way that allows that illuminating light of love to shine onto others. Fall madly in love with yourself in the way you fall in love with nature. Let the world be your lover. Be in love with the universe. Radiate the presence of forgiveness, understanding, and compassion that's always inside of you. I wish you to fall so profoundly that nothing will hurt you ever again when it pertains to a relationship: any type of love, not just a lover but a child, a parent, and a friend. You have learned that pain and disappointments are just experiences to teach you about the different facets of your soul. I wasn't your greatest love. I was the catalyst for you to experience it. You ARE your greatest love. Look in the mirror and watch the lover in you reflecting....”

Exhaustion is a reminder that I am human and cannot take on anymore than what my spirit can handle. The body has gone on shut-down mode for a reason. I have to honor this moment. I am fortunate to have a mate who steps up to the plate and a friend who follows the flow of my needs. It's all part of the growth. And, for now I am reminded of a saying in a store that my friend showed me today. “The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.” I am listening!!!!