Two Important Questions

At the end of the day there are two questions I ask myself: Did I learn everything I could from that situation? Did I love to the best of my capacity and ability today in spite of the circumstances?  Sometimes the answer is yes to both questions.  Sometimes it is a yes and a no.  Other times, with much guilt and embarrassment, the answer is “no” to both. But I am trying to get a grasp of this thing called “Being Human.”  I didn’t read the manual before arriving here on earth.  I’ve never been too sharp at taking tests.  I don’t really retain much in my cerebral cortex either.  So, had I read the manual I probably wouldn’t remember much of anything, except that the lessons require a lifetime of learning.  This thing of being a human has an array of trickiness to it.  Things sometimes just don’t make sense at all.  There are a million senseless acts performed each day all over the place.  We are being tested through every avenue: our relationships, our children, neighbors, family, friends, co-workers, strangers and the entire world.  Even nature throws a curve ball at times.Last night I tossed and turned while the clock waited for no one.  It didn’t just stop so I could catch up…the hours went quickly and before I knew it sunrise was sneaking through the windows.  I meditated, I read, I wrote, and I tried several times to close my eyes and just be in the moment.  Being in the moment didn’t help.  I kept recalling the past two events in the news with Michael Brown in Ferguson while Eric Garner's words echoed, "I can't breathe" in my heart.  As much as I remain neutral through world news, politics and other mayhem I can't help but question so many of my own choices and past decisions. With a heavy heart I allowed my higher self to answer those questions that I cannot comprehend. Humanity is shifting and there's a wide division in its separation.   It's an ongoing battle that seems to bring even more questions in to our existence.I return to my own awareness admitting that I have truly loved deeply.  I have done the best I have known at the time.  This is my ego being human rather than spiritual.  When we start going back there is a monster that will always appear with regrets, shame, and guilt.   And, it is usually in the middle of the night when there’s no one to talk to, to reach out to, other than God and all the stars.Our humanity is being tested each and every day.  I witness it constantly.  It’s as if this time acceleration has affected the very core of our belief and faith.  Why?  I don’t know.  That’s not one of those questions I ask myself every day.   I can’t.  I don’t want to go into the monstrous events of our world.  I try to live in a happy bubble.  When the bubble gets poked and emptied out I feel the depression creeping in like poison.  I cannot hold my heart in place.   I go to a place of darkness and anger.   Last night I witnessed it with such intensity.  I wish I could remember one single event from it but once daylight reached my face it was erased.I am learning from every situation, even the events that are not directly in my path because everything that happens in our world, in our lives, is connected to one another.  The distance between us is shorter than we think.  What happens in your thoughts and consciousness is affected into the way you treat another.  It becomes part of the ripple effect.  I see it when a hurt or negative guest comes into my office.  Their demeanor affects me.  They leave the stagnant energy behind.  Now imagine this in a mass conscious level with millions of people.  It becomes war.  It becomes hatred, bigotry, and death.  We are all fighting a war with our egos.  How we express it to the world determines how we love and find peace with each other.I have to be more mindful to be able to answer those two questions with “yeses” every day.  I cannot get sloppy with working through the difficult times.  I must love fully, even during the most challenging moments of my relationships.  I must learn to experience things even when they hurt, when they feel uncomfortable, and when they point back to me that I have screwed up (yet one more freaking time).  Ego loves to twist and turn those moments.  Ego teases me, “You suck at this humanity thing!”As we go into this holiday season, I pray that we can consciously come together in peace.  I send my loving thoughts and prayers to the universe in hopes that I can find the positive answers to those questions that don’t have answers as well.  I wish you all love, compassion, kindness, joy, and the awareness that we are all in this together.  It starts and ends with our connections and the choices we make while answering a divine purpose for our existence.   Healing doesn't begin to happen until we become aware of our lack of control.Much love and light to all!  We are all here for one another in one form or another.