Complete Awareness of Love
Emotions aren't suppose to make sense or be controlled. At times. Or always. I don't know. This morning, actually for most of the night, I wept and laughed and rode the bipolar expressway of uncertainty. I don't know how to describe what I am feeling. Perhaps gratitude. I went to work and started filing...leaving tears all over the place for those in search of words. Not very professional, I know. But, some ink stains require smudges. Or not. It's all a treasure hunt for later! My husband had a horrible car accident a few days ago. He is okay. He is alive. By all logical purposes he shouldn't be. He will need lots and lots of healing. He's is here. With me. With us. I can't even begin to unravel the last few days. I feel like I know nothing. But...Here is what I am certain about today: it's a new day and I get to tell those I love and admire that I do; that I can see and feel them. This business of loving is always a little shaky with who receives the fairy emotions and who rejects them. I don't really care. I am aware that I can be a little tad much for some who don't wear vulnerability on their sleeves. I feel bad for them. I can come off like a mosquito biting with silliness and excessive amounts of corniness. And yes, it's one of those days. Ughhhh...even I can't stand being in my body with all these emotions surfing around inside. I have been seeing my angelic number 111 everywhere for days. So I am guided in the most amazing manners and I smile each time the number sequence shows up. That's right, roll your eyes (it might be the only exercise you get today) but you are being guided by something. Believe me! There is so much going on cosmically right now. It's coming at us in so many ways. And so is the opening heart. That's love, you know. That's the ultimate acceptance and awareness of what it is to be so open with the world that you feel. Feel it all to the oomph degree. I used to be scare. Oh my gawd! I was so scared of loving this deeply and being rejected...cause I was attracting it through that fear. Yeah...no more. I don't care if the cashier looks at me funny when I tell her I appreciate her. Or when the Starbucks girl sees me come in and automatically puts "Giggle" on my order as she rolls her eyes. Or, that I keep telling my husband a million times that I love him and don't want him to hit any more trees with a car....please! Or a zillion other ways I continue to express me all the time. I will continue to remind folks of their light and love and importance. This is my role here. To just be. To just allow. I am not here to judge you for what you are or lack. I am not here to lead anyone to anything. But, I am here to allow these emotions today to come and go. I was asked to come home from work cause who needs a middle-aged woman sobbing at her desk one moment and laughing through the tears the next. I am blessed to have that kind of work. They deal with mental health every single day and I might just be their biggest headcase. Stop controlling the emotions...stop labeling them...stop trying to make sense of their rise and fall. You are allowed grief, joy, laughter, love, sorrow, anger, despair, love and elation. You are allowed frustration, mini tantrums (without hurting another), and the rainbow spectrum of everything else. Cause we all know that there is not one moment in the day we go without feeling something. ANYthing.I love you. There! It's said again. And I hope you forgive yourself for anything that you feel isn't working. But, f*•k, never ever ask forgiveness for loving another. Ever. Love isn't meant to be chased. So whatever isn't working let it go...but don't you dare for one moment apologize for loving another. Even when they aren't in your life anymore. They served a lesson. Smile...you are here...in spite of some shitty things. Allow love to heal THAT!