Transformation through Illness

This last week I had some major spiritual upgrades. I got the flu from my kiddos. It was worst than when I had COVID in July. This virus took me to another level. The first night, Sunday, I had a fever of 104. I was delusional and tripping. I shivered in the bathroom, speaking to myself as if I was still in my old business of industrial parts. In my hysteria I thought I had to get a $10,000 order out of bearings and motors and being sick I couldn’t do it. It’s been well over 14 years since I owned that business. But every single time I get sick I return to that life.

I begin to unravel. To panic. To return to the places that need healing.

I had to get up early and take kids to school that Monday. I had gotten the fever down a bit. I don’t know how I did it but I did. I was grateful for the moments of not shivering even when it was 19 degrees outside, and having clear vision to drive. I returned to my bed and slept all day. The fevers felt as if my brain was on fire, sending transmission to other dimensions. I was also grateful that the next day my ex was able to care for the kids because there was no way I could. I attempted to go to work and had to return home with more fever and body aches.

I was a sickly child. I spent a lot of time in hospitals and doctor offices. So, being sick for me is violent. I have zero tolerance for it. Anyone else around me can get sick and I will care for them, but when it happens to me I hibernate and feel rage inside for not being able to take care of myself better. I have healed from so much trauma, or so I think, until I get ill and it all comes back knocking in my subconscious.

It whispers at first, “Hey, there! Are you really healed? Can we show you a few things?” I ignore it.

Then it starts to yell, and I pay attention because I cannot do anything else but be with my thoughts.

This latest health challenge brought up deep old traumas from childhood, from past relationships, from so many things I had blocked out. I kept seeing visions of the old me playing into roles that were destructive just to make others happy. There has been a lot of forgiveness this week.

I was telling a friend today, since I can actually speak coherently, that for the first time I forgave me for not putting myself as a priority. I can’t hold another human responsible for the way they treated me because I allowed it. I wasn’t a victim. I enabled every relationship. I showed them exactly how I deserved to be treated. I have been an amazing teacher that way because my worth was pretty low. How could I expect anything better when I was unable to give myself preference, priority or importance?

Getting sick is the body’s intimate form of conversation with the soul. The issues always lie in the tissues. I have to literally be put out of commission in order to pay attention to those dark nights of the soul that need attention. As I would try and rest my mind would start to write, because that is my escape. Of course, since it’s not written on paper, I forget what I write but it seems to clear out the cobwebs of shame and guilt in the closet. The constructing of sentences in English and Spanish seem to release powerful magic.

I have spent countless hours this week removing blockages and amnesia that I placed in order to survive. So, on this day of gratitude, I am beyond grateful for the flu. It was a major clearing and resetting. It has been transformative. The journey within was not taken alone, as guides were always there to show me exactly what I needed to release. What an incredible shamanic pilgrimage!

I share this so that you recognize that you aren’t alone in your struggles, whether they are health, financial, or emotional. There is a powerful force at work these days and it is pushing outwardly a mass purging needed for souls to raise their vibrations. Keeping old wounds, without resolutions, keep us stagnant. We are ascending. 

I love you…
Millie